PTSD The Battle Within

Living daily with the battle inside yourself

https://unsplash.com/@pawel_czerwinski

When I wake in the morning, I do not know what is in store for me. Will I have the strength to be productive, feel no emotions, or need to retreat from the world. Each day is a fresh start. I force myself to understand this with each new day.

It does not have to be like the one before or the one before that. Nor the same as so many days, hundreds of days, that I have survived.

Seven years ago, I experienced a critical incident that I do not understand or comprehend why it even happened or why I was allowed to survive. I know that it is the luck of the draw, one inch this way or quarter-inch that way, and I would not be here writing today.

I am thankful for each day that I have, no matter how much of a struggle to get through it. I know that not all days will not all be the same, and it will not always be like this.

I continue the fight within myself. There is no option to lose. I need to win this battle, for my mother, wife, and children, but most importantly for myself. If you look at me, if you see me somewhere, you will have no idea of the battle within unless you have been through something like I have. Sometimes I can see someone and know that they have the struggle within. I do not understand why and do not know if I am seen the same way.

I continue the fight within myself. There is no option to lose. I need to win this battle, for my mother, wife, and children, but most importantly for myself.

If you look at me, if you see me somewhere, you will have no idea of the battle within unless you have been through something like I have. Sometimes I can see someone and know that they have the struggle within. I do not understand why and do not know if I am seen the same way.

My physical wounds healed after ten months.

The damage within has continued to recover for seven years, and the healing is not always there. The setbacks are more numerous than the successes. I struggle on, hoping on hope, knowing there is a path to recovery. Each day that shines like a fresh new life fuels my hope and faith that one day each day that I wake up to shines the same way. I do not need to escape. I need to find peace, the person I was, and hold on to that person. The wounds and cause are so much deeper than I ever imagined.

I will succeed.

I will win the battle within myself.

There is no choice, no different path; it is my battle to bear. No matter how much help is offered or received, the battle is solely mine — a silent war, unseen by anyone but me.

As a former Federal Agent, Gang Expert, Restaurant Owner, and Father, I have stories to share. Enjoy my journey. Contact me on Facebook, I like to chat.

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store